Exclusive: The Secret Diary Of Ian Walker

The Shocking, Miserable Life of Leicester's "Shot-Stopper"

Walker pushes another ball into his own goal

Alf: sympathetic

Jahwol Mein Fuhrer

Papers passed to The Onion Bag just a few days ago reveal the awful truth behind one of the nation's greatest goalkeepers and football's own "Unlucky Alf". The 36-page diary documents the sheer HELL Ian "the cat" Walker has endured and accounts for his recent poor form between the sticks at Leicester.

One shocking day recalls Walker's frustration at not only being beaten to the last car parking space at Leicester's premiere Lidl foodstore, but also not having the correct change for the ticket machine when he did find a space. Walker's own words tell the complete, tragic story: "Bugger!".

Kubism

Walker's bad luck continued: "Thursday 12th February - Stopped to pick-up a Kit-Kat on the way to training. Wouldn't you know it? They only had Kit-Kat bars! I know everyone else likes them but I'm an old- fashioned, four-finger kind of guy. I left desolate. And a pigeon managed to crap right in my mouth on the way out, too."

Walker's misfortune was only to get worse, as the diary shockingly recalls: "Friday 13th: Oh christ. Was I scared to get out of bed this morning, what with my rotten luck! So I stayed put for an hour. But then the gas man rang the door bell and I thought I'd better let him in after being accidentally cut-off last week, even though I'd paid the bill promptly as I always do. In my hurry downstairs, I forgot to slip on me pyjamas! I was as red as a tomato when I opened the door with me knackers on show!"

Final Indignity

Walker's final, almost sinister indignity occurred later that day, as he remembers: "Bumped into that bloke that ran on the pitch when Villa gave us a 0-5 seeing-to. It wasn't my fault. The brakes went on me Vauxhall. What are the chances of rear-ending that bloke? And of course, there was no Old Bill around to take care of things then. I got a right old pasting. He snapped me Alice band. Oh bugger! What rotten luck I have!"

The Onion Bag called Walker's Crisps, the company that keeps Leicester in business, and asked if the keeper was any relation. They told us to piss-off. So we did. With the £2million winning lottery ticket we found between the pages of Ian Walker's diary...

Castro