Football League Opts For Daft Name

New League Names As World's Media Looks Other Way

One of the unused 'brands'

H: Likes coke

Mawhinney: who he?

Timing their announcement to perfection, the Football League revealed the new names for its divisions with most of the media's gaze conveniently and firmly on events in Portugal.

But the shocking monikers did not escape the attention of The Onion Bag. The new names - The Championship for the old First Division, and Leagues One and Two for Divisions Two and Three respectively - are at best unremarkable and at worst the product of overpaid marketing consultants who've never been to a football match in their lives. Ubiquitous multi-national and all round sponsor whores Coca-Cola have also chipped in a few million quid to sweeten the deal for all concerned.

Second Comes Right After First

Football League Chairman Sir Brian Mawhinney, himself no stranger to a stupid name, said: "The Championship is a term steeped in the history of The Football League. Reclaiming it for our leading clubs will place a new enhanced emphasis on its status at the pinnacle of our competition." The Championship, which will remain behind the Premiership in terms of status, has been endorsed by club chairmen, including, among others, the daftly named Theo Paphitis of Millwall and Ipswich's easy target David Sheepshanks.

Talking Bollocks

Sheepshanks said, "It's not a sell-out, not at all. You've got to start somewhere," while Paphitis added, "The whole point is to close that gap between the Football League and the Premier League. Other names we considered were SoccerChamps Galaxy League, The Champleagueship, and BackOfTheNetTops!."

Utterly bemused, The Onion Bag caught up with other stupidly named people to get their opinions. 'H' from Steps said, "It's a wonderful name. Perfect. Would you like a can of - hmmm, gota love that taste - Coca-Cola?". Football star Nwankwu Kanu told us, "What is this Championship? Is it like the Premiership? Can I play for you? Please?", while rapper Dirty Old Bastard said, "Wha' the fu'? Mudderfucka, how d'you git this number? I'll pop a cap in your a-" but we hung up then. We also tried Notorious BIG but turned out he was dead.

Castro