Bates Tricked By Leeds Buy-out

Crusty millionaire outraged at housing crisis

Footballer's dream house

Bates: Up in arms

The North: Grim

Ken Bates's purchase of Leeds United has left the ageing chairman with a nasty taste in his mouth after it was revealed that local opposition to the purchase of new homes by out-of-towners threatens the club's plan to attract new players.

Master Bates

Bates's fury is directed at a recent council ruling that prevents non-locals from buying new homes in Yorkshire. "It's bloody nuts. We all know that stupid, young soccer stars require enormous new Barratt-style homes that they don't know what to do with. If these players can't buy the property, how can we hope to attract them to the club?".

Cloth-capped Yorkshiremen not interested

Local resident, community activist and general nosey-parker Les Dyke said, "Bloody flash Londoners, comin up 'er with all their fast cars and fancy women, telling us what to do. They can bloody well fook off. Stick to the roads. Beware of the moors. Beat the wife. We need 'ouses for the locals who work all day down t'pit, etc."

Link to big tits

But Dean Holdsworth, the chairman of the PFA Management Committee who once shagged a Page 3 girl, agrees with Bates. "I've had plenty of naff houses - and birds - over the years. Players are contracted to buy enormous, spanking new gaffs in which they can get lost and wonder what the cooker is for. What the local council has done in Leeds is an outrage."

Bates added, "I feel like I've been mugged. There was no mention of this when I filled out the forms to buy Leeds. £10 million quid and I can only use local players? It's a rip-off." In typically controversial style, Bates went on to say that Yorkshire should be sold to the French, and that he'd called his bank and stopped the £10 million cheque.

Seaman Stains

Last night, stubborn Yorkshiremen remained just that. We contacted the so-called "genial Yorkshirman" David Seaman to find out what he thought but he was on the vinegar strokes with his missus and couldn't answer the phone.

Castro