Liverpool Drug Trial Joy

Rafa hails magic pills

Drugs: can mess you up

Robbie: likes a sniff

Crouch: wavy gravy

Liverpool boss Rafa Benitez cited revolutionary and legal performance enhancing drugs as the reason behind his team's 5-1 thrashing of Fulham last week. "I am very pleased," the Spaniard said. "We needed several vounteers to test the new drugs and Fowler, Morientes, Crouch and Warnock all got goals. Even the Fulham boy, Brown, he took a pill too and was on the scoresheet for us."

Chase The Dragon

The use of performance enhancers was controversial, especially in a week that saw a group of human guinea pigs hospitalised after testing some other new wonder drug. They were all students, so nobody cared too much, but one comically suffered a face so swollen, he was described as looking like the Elephant Man.

Enter The Dragon

Benitez continued, "We got special dispensation from UEFA to try the drugs. They had been looking at all the underperforming, so-called 'great' European teams and decided we needed the most help." It has been reported that Real Madrid were also on the shortlist of tester clubs.

UEFA spokesperson Bent Kum declared, "This is a good day for UEFA. And for football. Now we know we can safeguard the interests of Europe's biggest clubs with these magic pills, no matter how bad they play! We chose Liverpool because they know a lot about drugs up there. The player, Robbie Fowler, he likes the sniff, yes?"

Way Of The Dragon

The scientician who invented the performance enhancers, Dr Julius Limbani of European pharmaceutical giant Klaxon, prefers the term medicine. "The pills heal the players. They do not enhance them. Take the Liverpool strikers. They hadn't scored for months. Those men were in real pain. And yet one of my magic pills and puff! Three out of five are on the scoresheet!"

UEFA's trial of the drugs continued yesterday with Liverpool securing another victory, beating Newcastle 1-3 at St James's Park, with Crouch again on the scoresheet after being advised to turn on, tune in, and drop out - and score a goal. Doctors, and his agent, are monitoring his condition.

Castro