Premiership To Take A Break

Golden tickets to takeover in 2008

Michael Eavis: We make this much money

Footballers: falling asleep on the job

2008 Tickets: a fun lucky dip and healthy too

Following another season of disappointment, recrimination and falling gate receipts, the Onion Bag can reveal that the Premiership have been in talks with Glastonbury Festival organiser Michael Eavis on how to take a "rest year".

With English teams and managers complaining again about exhaustion and too many fixtures, the Football Association have decided to take radical action.

Time Out

The Onion Bag's intrepid reporter Larry Gak spoke to Michael Eavis last week:

"We close down the festival once every few years. It allows us to sort out security, bring in some big names and when we come back, the demand for tickets is higher than ever and we make EVEN MORE MONEY"

Snickers

In the 2008-2009 season, there will also be a new ticketing regime to improve attendance at less, ahem, attractive fixtures. All premiership tickets will be randomly distributed in new FA chocolate bars, called "Footychoc", or similar, probably. There will be one ticket hidden in each batch of 1000 bars of candy.

Curly Wurly

A spokesman from the FA said: "The bars will look really shiny and nice on the outside but once you've taken one bite they will taste really bland and by the time you've got to the end you'll have had enough. They will however contain a slightly addictive ingredient, so by the next week you'll fancy another one."

Each bar will retail at around £80.

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