Boos Cruise

Travel firm offers 'misery tours' to follow England

England fans: Having a lovely time

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"If that was a coin it's mine"

FA bosses have become outraged at a new travel service designed specifically to take miserable fans to England games.

Spleen machine

Misery Miles is the brainchild of populist budget airline entrprenuer Ernestos Cockgroupiou: "If football has told us anything it's that there are plenty of people who love to wallow in their own self-pity." he told the Onion Bag's intrepid reporter Larry Gak. "In the past, people would use travelling with England as a thinly veiled excuse to drink too much, sing racist songs and start fights with the locals, nowadays your modern football fan demands more."

"We've noticed that they would much rather vent their anger towards the players." said Cockgroupiou "They see their high salaries, gorgoeus women and youth. Then they look at their own huge mortgage repayments, whopping credit card bills and ugly children and naturally feel bitter and resentful."

Pie and a pint

The new package offers a low cost flight to an airport approximately 50 km away from where the England team land. From there, they are deposited outside the stadium where they'll be beaten up by foreign policemen before being interviewed by the English media where they can pretend to be middle class and shocked by the whole thing. After the match there will be an oppurtunity to scream and swear incoherantly at the England team as they sheepishly board their luxury coach. If, as they did in Estonia, England win there will be no refunds.

Lamped

England's Frank Lampard is a particular favorite for abuse from disgrutle Englanders. "If I had a pound for every time I get called a fat sausage I'd be millionaire. As it is I get fifty pence"

Cockgroupiou has promised that, for an extra charge, his dedicated team of Customer Service Scousers will rob you of your tickets before entering the ground then hold you responsible you for poor organisation and nearly causing another Hillsborough.

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