Football Saves Our Lives Again

Johnny ecstatic as new season begins

Pundit: Can't contain himself

'FREEDOM!' (A football fan, yesterday)

Shopping Centre, 3pm, Saturday

Funny old thing, Football. For instance, the sheer ecstasy of anticipation. At last, my friends, the new season is here!

Mistresses

All over the kingdom Saturdays are undergoing a radical shift. Shopping centres, like cruise liners waving goodbye to the last blue rinse and golf jumper, are bracing themselves to be just that little bit emptier from 3pm on a Saturday. Wives — and perhaps, in these enlightened times, possibly even husbands — are preparing to kid themselves once more that they're the most important thing in their spouse's life, no really they are, when all along they know they're about to lose their loved ones to mistresses with names like Highbury, Old Trafford, even Craven Cottage.

Verbal traffic jams

Conversation across the land will no longer be held up in verbal traffic jams, stuck behind "Rotten summer, isn't it?" or inching slowly along behind "Have you fixed that washer yet?". Instead saloon bar chats will roam through the uncluttered country lanes of Liverpool: Do They Have A Chance? Or put their foot down on the clear straight motorways of Can Chelsea Win It Again? Or weave in and out of the rat runs of Could Arsenal Possibly Be Better Off Without Henry?

Drool

Bereft of a World Cup, deprived of European Championships, it's been a long, hard summer (with only the Onion Bag's Copa America pull-out to break the monotony — Ed). But, my friends, it's over — just as the sun starts shining; which can't be a coincidence. The new season is about to begin. Listen, listen carefully and you can hear it: the huff of out-of-condition players desperately trying to shed beach fat; the drool of Agents smacking on the floor; knives being sharpened in boardrooms while press officers prepare votes of confidence; corner flags being ironed, pasties being baked and referees' pencils sharpened. Football: the greatest game, nay the greatest activity in the world. And it's about to begin again.

My friends, I say: "Hoorah!"

Johnny Pundit