Clubs Turn To Spam

Old mottos replaced by modern epithets

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Naomi Klein's quivering muff.

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As its special report this week, The Onion Bag looks into the growing trend of football clubs rebranding themselves in an evermore competitive business market.

While the likes of Middlesbrough and Chelsea have launched new badges, some teams have adopted an alternative and more exciting strategy - the creation of a new club motto through the medium of spam.

Latin

Back in the late-1800's when English football was in its infancy, many clubs were keen to sport a Latin message that concisely summed up the ethos of the club. Arsenal's motto was 'Victoria Concordia Crescit' ('Victory comes from harmony'), Blackburn's was 'Arte et Labore' ('By art and by labour') while Wigan Athletic chose 'Nos Stadia Est Demi Vacuum' (or 'Our Stadium Is Half Empty').

Now the practice has become fashionable again - but with a new twist. Clubs up and down the country are choosing new mottos written in English and based on the 'Subject' lines from popular spam email messages.

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The first to start the trend were Charlton Athletic whose badge was amended to show the words 'Rolex Watches - Unbelievable Prices', a move which prompted a new sponsorship deal with the Swiss timepiece company.

Sheffield United followed soon after with the forceful but memorable 'Shove It In Her Face Today', bettered almost by Northampton Town's 'Bomb Her Womb With Your Huge Cannon'.

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New mottos such as these have proved hugely popular with the fans and it seems the more creative a club is, the better they like it. Tranmere Rovers now operate under the epigram 'Moral Contrary Vegans Backlash' while Brentford preferred the more arcane offering of 'Barbara Streisand goes braless'.

Football in the 21st Century may have an uncertain future according to some, but idioms like these will surely last for generations to come and will act as a record of how modern life impacted on the game we know today.

It's with this in mind that The Onion Bag is proud to unveil its own new motto to celebrate five years of quality journalism: 'Lucky Stud Banging His Stepmum!'

Brings a lump to your throat, doesn't it?

Chris O