Don't Do It Becks

Milan move wrong says Ernesto

Ernesto: Stick with the MLS baby

Becks: Happier times

Columbus Cruise: Show me the money

Top soccer business guru Ernesto Cockgroupier writes for the Onion Bag

"Si baby, I've been doing the numbers on the Beckham Milan deal and they don't add up. Call me."

Si Fuller and I go way back to the end-zone. He and I were at Basingstoke Community college doing our Media studies diploma. The last thing he said to me as we tossed out mortarboards in the air was 'Ernie baby, anything you need, just call.' I've been calling him ever since. If only I could get him to call back.

What's in your wallet

I was there when David Beckham sealed that Galaxy deal in those heady days of 2007 Back then ABC1s had credit cards and anything seemed possible. It was an historic moment. There was Becks, Si and Posh sat on one side of the desk. the baby Beckhams (Romeo, Brooklyn and Hemorrhoid) were playing Hit The Help in the mini-creche in the corner of Alexei Lalas' office. Me? I was was pressing my face against the window. There was some mix up with security and I couldn't attend the meeting personally.

All parties shook hands and toasted the deal. The MLS was about to explode in a giant bulge of action figure heaven. Soon names like Las Vegas Galaxy and Columbus Cruise would be house-hold names (I told Tom he should buy in but he had me arrested).

Dedicated follower

It's something I still believe to this day. Since DB arrived stateside MLS brand awareness has grown by 14.78% among hermaphrodites aged 36-38. They may not be such a key demo now but when Congress passes the Mid Life Crisis Asexual Bill... trust me.

Which is why the Milan deal is such a disaster. Who the hell cares about Italian football apart from multi millionaire industrialists and fashion designers. Besides, how is Posh expected to further her media career without the Hollywood connection? I mean, who in the media is involved with AC Milan?

Yoko

If you ask me he's doing it for all the wrong reasons. It probably has something to do with football.

Ernesto