Lowe: Hands Off Our Tea

Shine your shoes, sir?

Lowe: Brat packer

Mckenzie: Hoping to turns things round

Ridsdale: Je ne regret rien

In an unprecedented move this week, Southampton chairman Rob Lowe has asked the FA to intervene after increasing speculation in the football media that Leeds United were looking to cadge a cup of tea from the Saints.

"I'm just fed up with these endless rumours that we're going to give Leeds the price of a cup of tea" foamed the former brat-pack star. "And anyway you know what will happen if you give them money to buy tea - they will just spend it on rubbish players or over-inflated wages."

Once I built a railroad

Whilst there has been no formal request from Leeds for the price of a cup of tea, the tabloid press has been full of stories to the effect that should a cup of tea come their way they would accept it readily.

In our relentless pursuit of the facts behind the headlines the Onion Bag went to see Leeds chairman Prof John McKenzie to find out if there was any truth in Lowe's allegations. When we caught up with the eccentric academic, he was walking along the canal, pushing a shopping trolley filled with assorted plastic carrier bags whilst clutching a can of white ace.

Brother can ya spare a Club

"I dint ask fer nuffink" insisted the prof, "he's just getting at me cos I've 'ad a bit a bad luck lately."

After taking a large gulp from his budget booze can he continued, "You couldn't 'elp us out cudja? It's just that I leant a mate a score the uvver day and I ain't gonna see him 'til Friday. Jus a bit a money fer me to get a bite to eat."

Feeling rather uncomfortable we gave him a Traveller's Fare ham salad sandwich we'd bought on the train up from London. He thanked us heartily, but there was a distinct look of disappointment in his tired eyes.

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