Arsene Whinger

Jose sticks the boot into Gunners boss again

Jose: In trouble

Dean: Implicated

Wenger: Indisposed

Chelsea's exalted manager Jose Mourinho has continued his one man war of words on Arsenal by branding his opposite number at Highbury a whinger.

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The "Special One" as the media like to call him has already caused enough trouble at FA Towers by implying that Arsenal vice-chairman Howard Dean exploits his position on the FA board to rig the Premier League fixtures in favour of his club. And if that wasn't enough Jose is piling on even more insults.

Nite Klub

Speaking to a smacked up press conference in a west London gentleman’s club at three o'clock in the morning. Mourinho accused Arsene of sour grapes.

"All he does is moan and whine" he told us. "’I can't sign this player until Mourinho says so' he says. 'I can't sell that player because Mourinho wants to buy him.' he says 'I can't wipe my bottom because Mourinho has bought up all the premium soft toilet roll'. Well Mourinho is sick of it I say and the next time I see him I'm going to pull down his trousers."

International Jet Set

The outburst threatens to cause a major diplomatic incident. Wenger's compatriot, the humiliated French President Jacques (just say non) Chirac, was said to be furious upon hearing Mourinho's comments. He was sitting at the next table.

Meanwhile the increasingly belligerent Wenger has locked himself inside a portaloo at the building site of Arsenal's new Emirates Stadium and is refusing to come out. "Someone has used up all ze bog roll" he said.

Duffman