Big Phil's Foul Mouth

Scolari set to wash his gob out with filth

I swear

I swear

I Blair

Portuguese coach Luis "Big Phil" Filipe Scolari has said that there won't be any language concerns should he become England's next manager. He claims to be capable of swearing as much as any Englishman.

The Brazilian world cup winner is usually a soft spoken and genteel fellow who is well known for his temperant vocabulary. This has led to critics claiming that he won't be able to cut it in the profane environment of an English dressing room.

Profound profanities

An FA insider told The Onion Bag's Larry Gak, that the newly formed England Manager Finding Commitee are concerned that Big Phil's chaste and polite mannerisms will rule him out. "Sven [Goran Eriksson] came across as a quiet and civilised man but was in fact a hard drinking, hard swearing, lout", he confided. "He was very popular with the players and the ladies loved him for it. We think that there will be a bad language barrier with Scolari."

However, Scolari's agent, the Right Reverand Julius Limbani of the St Barnabus Parish in Lisbon, is adament that his client can swear harder than a sailor who has mistaken a beehive for a public lavvy. "In the name of God, I swear Phil can swear", he told his flock. "F**k me sideways and call me a stinking, s**tty c**t if I'm lying."

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh thats better

Scolari's life coach, Mother Superior Lesley Dyke, insists that foul language isn't a problem: "Ever since he was a short arsed little s**tbag, we've been teaching him the importance of profanity in life", she explained. "I still say to him every Sunday: 'Listen to me to you bald f**ker. If you want to get on in football you have to speak the language of football. Now be a dear and pass me my loofer. These f**king piles are driving me up the s**thouse wall.'"

Big Job

"Big Phil" himself has expressed an interest in the position and is believed to be prepared to put his b*ll*cks in a potato ricer, and squeeze until he crimps off a 5 pound turd for the job and its seven figure salary. He was unavailable for comment on account of him not speaking any English.

Duffman