Football's Faecal Folly

Exposed: Soccer's sh*t stirrers

Ronaldinho: Forgot the bog roll

Messi: Preparing for another spurt

Sky\'s Richard Keys: Just dropped one

The Onion Bag has uncovered a secret secretion war taking place between Europe's top clubs. A putrid practise that involves players and coaches hurling huge dollops of human excrement at each other in an attempt to put each other off their game.

Effluent Exchange

The Onion Bag's intrepid reporter Larry Gak's first inkling of the sh*tty shenanigans came after last weeks FA Cup clash between Manchester United v Liverpool where there were reports of United supporters showering Liverpool fans with cups of sh*t. While the rest of the Football world fell about laughing, our man Gak saw a pattern in the dung and decided to dig deeper.

Cess pitch

A UEFA insider unloaded some pretty pungent revelations after we set him up with a Russian hooker and a bucket of chicken then showed him the pictures.

"The amount of sh*t flying around these days is getting out of hand" he confessed "Why only last week Barcelona players were seen leaving huge deposits all over the Stamford Bridge pitch before their game with Chelsea". This was backed up by Chelsea's Head Groundsman Fyodor Stinkinritch.

Messi business

"I saw Ronaldinho sh*tting on my centre circle." He explained while leaning on a pitch fork "Puyol almost burst a pile laying one on the six yard box and as for Messi? My agricultural water sprayers could'nt have covered as much ground. Still, it is good for my potatoes."

Sammy's stools

We can also reveal that Asier Del Horno was relieved to be sent off for his messy Messi challenge once he realised that his histrionic rolling around had led him into a patch of Samuel Eto'o's finest. "Never have I been so happy to take an early bath" he said.

More crap carry on was in evidence after the game. Particularly around the area where the post match interviews took place and the Sky Sports studio which was reported to be absolutely full of sh*t. Most of it coming from the pundit's mouths.

Duffman