Ball Boy Protection Racket

A story of lost innocence

Ball boy: squalor

Pixies: ring

Bunker: dim

The Onion Bag has learned of a violent and sadistic international network of ball boys operating within a culture of bullying and protectionism.

Ball boys are the forgotten men of the professional game. Occasionally damned for employing controversial tactics like not giving the ball back quick enough and giving the ball back too quickly. Beyond that little is known about them.

Debaser

Contrary to popular belief, ball boys are not boys at all but subterranean pixie-men employed by top league clubs all over the world at sub-minimum wages. When not being worked to death fetching and carrying after fabulously wealthy footballers they live in old air raid shelters. The conditions in these bunkers are squalid and dank. They are freezing in winter and sweltering in the summer. And amidst the misery lies a vicious ring of bully ball boys who terrorise and humiliate their brethren.

Broken face

Our under-cover reporter Larry Gak infiltrated one of the bunkers in England and discovered a world of ritual beatings and protectionism. "The ball boys meagre wages are robbed blind by larger ball boys." says Gak in his last report. "Any boy that stands up to them is publicly beaten by a three foot axe handle known as a Pixie Stick. Any boy with no money is sold into slavery to one of the lower league clubs."

Break my body

Very recently however, there have been signs of resistance from the oppressed pixie masses. In Brazil, one ball boy was seen scoring a goal by way of a protest. So shocked were all those who witnessed such a brave and selfless act of defiance that the referee gave a goal to the attacking team by mistake. The ball boy took advantage of the ensuing chaos and escaped. Pixie death squads are believed to be hunting him now with promises of gold to whoever shops him first.

Wave of Mutilation

We approached FIFA for a comment but were surprised to find that no one there knew anything about it. We rang President Sepp Blatter at his home and the phone was answered by a person with a funny high pitched voice saying that his master was "Having a rub down and cannot be disturbed under pain of flogging".

Our investigation continues.

Duffman