Don't Leave Me This Way

Hard rock hallelujah for Sven

Sven: Judas

Sven: happier times

Rob Halford: he\'s gay apparently

Sven Goran Eriksson is to become the new lead singer with Judas Priest.

After moving on from the England team, the headline grabbing, high flying, multi millionaire was this week forced to decline a role on the FIFA guest speaker circuit citing harassment and abuse from fellow coaches who blamed him for England's under achievement over the past five years. He has also turned down the position of the new coach of the USA soccer team as he has no need for US dollars at the moment and was unhappy with the poor currency hedging arrangements in the proposed contract.

Null point

Eriksson says that he has always respected heavy metal as an allegory of the beautiful game, and is pleased that the form of the music is having a revival in Scandinavia after the Finnish success in the Eurovision song contest. It has long been suspected that Eriksson is in fact a member of Lordi, the anonymous, monster mask wearing rock group who won the pre-world cup contest.

Amen brother

As Amen - the ancient assassin, the ruler on the Anubis Dynasty, the mummyfied, severed, buried living dead and the unstoppable avenger (apparently) - Eriksson has honed his guitar skills and now feels it is time to return to the limelight with the classic British rock group as lead vocalist.

Banger sister

'For me, well, it is a relief at last because no-one takes an interest in the sex antics of rock stars any more' he said at his unveiling to the music press. 'And, of course, this is perfect — I know much about wine, women and song, I think you say. Nancy has, for many years, travelled with The Rolling Stones, Aerosmith, Motorhead and Guns 'n' Roses on their world tours and I have always been willing to entertain anything in a skirt. Or hot pants. Or a skinny tight little top where you can see their ...'.

Oh bugger

Ten minutes later it became clear that Eriksson, though particularly looking forward to dressing in leather and chains in the open at last, knew little of the history of the band. He was taken aback when it was pointed out that the leather and chains gear was due to the Priest's lead singer, Rob Halford, being openly gay. 'Well, bugger me.' he replied, adding 'in fact, yes... yes I hope so'.

Tord Grip was unavailable for comment.

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