Galaxy Quest

Becks to put the star into Stars & Stripes

"And the Oscar goes to..."

The Beckhams arriving in LA yesterday

Rowdie Rodney Marsh: Happier Times

Major League Soccer will be getting more than just a half decent football player when David Beckham joins LA Galaxy for $250 million.

LA Cosmos

Brand Beckham are working hard to ensure that once the ex-England skipper fetches up in LA, the whole of America will know who he is.

"At first" says Beckham's PR Guru Ernesto Cockgroupier "We hope to get people to see David everywhere they look. We want Joe Six-pack to look see Beckham and say 'get that slack jawed limey off my TV screen. I'm trying to watch the Superbowl.'"

LA Whorey

"After that" he continued "we plan to have him judge a celebrity reality show. ABC are about to show a ten week series called Youtube Me where minor celebrities go to extreme lengths to get on the tele. Kate Thornton hopes to launch her carreer in the States by taking part in the show. Her act involves a Karaoke version of My Way and a jar of sheep semen. I can't wait."

On Galaxy gamedays, a new supporter group will be set up to rival the Galaxians, the LA Riot Squad & the UFO's called the Beckhamistas. "Using David's contacts in the world of Scientology we hope to coerce or brainwash every non affiliated Galaxy fan at the Home Depot Centre into joining our cult... I mean club"

G Force

Also, production has started on a Saturday morning cartoon series starring Beckham called Beckeroo Banzai. The show will actually be an edited version of the seminal Japanese manga masterpiece MeGoDefIk8. "We will remove the scenes with swearing, violence, sado masochism and mass sexual congress" said Cockgroupier "and replace them with a cute little robot called 7beck7 who will fill the gaps in the story"

TalkSport

Meanwhile, back in Europe, other fading soccer legends are hoping to join America's rival club's as marquee players. Ronaldo is oiling himself up for a spell at FC Dallas, Luis Figo plans a run down the Colorado Rapids and Zinedine Zidane is set to bring back the Tampa Bay Rowdies. "Does anyone have Rodney Marsh's number?" he asks.

Duffman