One Great Big Facup

Johnny P lambasts the boring old FA Cup

Johnny Pundit: Packs a wallop

Lawro phones in his analysis

FA Cup: Compromised by excessive quality

Funny old thing, Football. For instance, the FA Cup. Greatest Cup competition in the world? Not any more it isn't. The trouble is, nowadays, nobody's rubbish. And that's a real problem for the game.

And we have Henry on Line One

Just the other night my old pal Henry Ham and I were sharing a pint of wallop in The Mixed Metaphor, the pundits' watering hole in London's fashionable Soho. And we were discussing the FA Cup and how the element of surprise has fizzled out like the fuse in a talkSPORT microphone.

Blood in your earhole

"Trouble is," huffed Ham, belching into his beer-froth and causing it to wobble like the Charlton defence, "Trouble is, everyone insists on being fit." I tutted in agreement. "Quite ridiculous. Wasn't like that in my day. And they all go round professing to 'think' about the game, don't they? It's all strategy this, and tactics that — I mean, it's hardly chess, is it? Wouldn't play chess in a pair of shorts more usually seen on a sexual offender, with mud up to your eyebrows and blood in your earhole from one of the more determined challenges? Eh? Hmm?"

Peaches and whales

"Ronnie Radford," slurred Ham, gesturing with his beer. "There was an FA Cup player for you. Fatter than a beached whale, probably with the same kind of turning speed, but what a peach of a goal. Don't see that kind of fruit nowadays," he finished, struggling slightly to sustain the metaphor. "No, quite right." I winked at ol' Deputy Dawg - Mark Lawrenson to you - as he sat in one corner, inevitably making a church steeple of his hands. "What we need is worse players, fatter players, more ill-informed coaches, some genuinely poor lower league teams and some genuinely careless top flight clubs. That'll give the FA Cup its spark again."

We'll always have Macclesfield

"Mind you," hiccupped Henry. "There's always Macclesfield. Chelsea put six past 'em, y'know." We raised our glasses. "To Macclesfield."

With defeats as glorious as that, our FA Cup dreams could never truly die.

Johnny Pundit