What’s South American Football Ever Done For Us?

Johnny on that other Johnny – Mr J Foreigner

Johnny: Back on track

Pele: Greatest Footballer ever, sure; but was he any good at football?

Soft porn: Must stay at least 100 yards away from

Funny old thing, Football. For instance, the South Americans. I mean, what do they know about football? Football as samba? Ridiculous. Everyone knows it's a war of attrition.

Bit rum

Last week, after I bemoaned the lack of anything happening over the close season, the new editor they've promoted up through the ranks, Nigel I think his name is, did a bit of bemoaning himself. He pointed out that as "the website" had just launched some "content" linked to some funny little South American cup competition. He added that "possibly it wasn't very on-message to say nothing was happening at the moment, Mr Pundit — not with our new Copa Cobana area." Now I'm as fond of The Manilow as the next man, but having "an area" for him on a football website seems a bit rum.

Brown raincoats and flat caps

Anyhoo, I was turning this over last night in The Mixed Metaphor with Fothergill, Football Correspondent for the Light Programme, and advancing my opinion that really, South American players were a bit over-rated. I mean, it's all very well being able to dance through an opposition defence, but is it football? It's a bit like a bunch of English chaps turning up in Rio at carnival time in brown raincoats and flat caps, bicycle clips around their ankles, and wondering why they aren't winning any prizes for Best Partygoer.

Muck and bullets

Fothergill protested that the South Americans have "great technique". Pah! Football isn't just about technique, you know. It's about huff and puff — honest vigour and sportsmanship. If it was just about technique, crowds would only ever get dazzling runs, beautiful goals and end-to-end play — and nobody wants that. There's got to be that vital element of muck and bullets — sweat upon the brow. We didn't invent the sport just for people to look pretty: that's what soft porn is for. And I should know.

Here's the 'link' to Nigel's new 'area', anyway. I searched and searched and there's hardly anything about rainy 0-0 draws in Rotherham. More's the pity.

Manana,

Johnny Pundit