Bag Truck Evacuated

Security alert prompts poor headline

Tactics Truck: Target

Harrier: Last line

Van Clenchmonker: Upstanding

In the same week that the White House was evacuated after a terrorist security alert, authorities in Britain have revealed that satirical football website the Onion Bag experienced a similar emergency.

Keep On Trucking

The Onion Bag writers live and work in what used to be ITV Sport's "Tactics Truck", which Andy Townsend used to provide post-match analysis with disinterested footballers rather than actually showing some football during the ailing channel's barely missed The Premiership programme. Last Wednesday, an unauthorised light aircraft was detected within the Bag's Government sanctioned five-mile no-fly zone by the Truck's radar, prompting an evacuation by the staff and the scrambling of two Harrier Jumpjets from a nearby RAF base, which subsequently blasted a rogue Cessna out of the skies to the cheers of everyone watching below.

Gak Attack

We sent our chief reporter, Larry Gak, to interview the Onion Bag's chief reporter, Larry Gak: "Obviously it was very frightening. I am not surprised that we have come under attack as there are those who believe that life here... began out there," Gak remarked somewhat strangely. But the Onion Bag is known to have made some enemies in the global footballing community, which is why the Tactics Truck never stays in one place for too long, endlessly travelling the length and breadth of the country, always protected by a Government no-fly zone.

Verbal Kint

Owner and publisher of the Onion Bag, Willem Van Clenchmonker, whose publishing empire includes the Socialist Worker, the Daily Mail and Big Melons TV (Sky Digital Channel 1025), last night said his organ would not stand down... from reporting the truth about football: "Jah, if zer iz nein Zwiebel Beutel [Onion Bag], zen vot iz ze vorld comming too, jah? Betätigen Sie die rote Taste jetzt [Press the red button now] " he concluded.

Last night, the Tactics Truck was glimpsed heading off into the darkness, in the general direction of Cardiff, and then like that... puff - it was gone.

Castro