Dudek Miracle Cure

Liverpool keeper beats illness to win Euro Cup

Jerzy: Brave fight

Chilli sauce?

Bruce: That'll do nicely

Liverpool's man between the sticks Jerzy Dudek last night announced that he had beaten the Goalkeepers' Flu that has been affecting his performances all season. The illness is more correctly known as Suckling's Syndrome after former Palace keeper Perry Suckling, who first contracted it in a 9-0 defeat at the hands of Liverpool. This last season has seen a massive rise in the number of reported cases, with Dudek being one of the more high profile victims.

Pidgin English

But the Polish shotstopper claims he has made a full recovery, citing his performance in Liverpool's astonishing Champions League final win over AC Milan as evidence. Dudek told the Bag's Larry Gak, "Iz true. At starty of game, I was shit, letting goal past in just first minute. And I was not much good for rest of half, though flippin' Djimi Traore was not much of your helping either. But come part two, and I start well, stopping Shevchenko free kick. My eyesight, it got better and my hands got bigger for stopping ball. Then lads score and it was three goals for everybody!"

Arthur English

Goalkeeping Flu expert Dr Julius Limbani of Acton Medical School is keen to take a sample of Dudek's blood in an effort to find a cure for other sufferers of Suckling's Syndrome. "Jerzy's DNA could be the answer the whole world has been looking for," he said between bites of a kebab in Istanbul.

Johnny English

It's not all roses for Dudek, sadly. Hundreds of TV viewers watched as his legs wobbled badly during the penalty shoot-out that ultimately saw Liverpool triumph. For many, it brought back painful memories of a condition that afflicted another Liverpool goalkeeper, the Zimbabwean Bruce Grobbelaar, who went all trembly in the 1984 European Cup Final but managed to come out a winner. The illness, known as Grobbelaar's Gait causes keepers to grow strange white beards and accept bribes to throw matches.

Meanwhile, Manchester United keeper Roy Carroll who also suffered a bout of Suckling's Syndrome earlier in the season, as well as shockingly loose bowels, has been released by the club. Carroll, 27, has been given six months to live by doctors.

Castro