Topsy-turvy Premiership

Invert the table, say FA bosses

Whelan: Arrears

Topsy

Turvey

In a clear example of pointless tinkering, senior staff at the FA have proposed that the Premiership table be inverted for the last week of the season in response to the more interesting matches currently taking place at its foot.

Upside down

While Chelsea were crowned Champions with a few matches to go, and the remaining top clubs squabbled over dull European places, the real action has been taking place at the bottom where four clubs will fight it out for one survival place on the last day of the season this coming Sunday. As reward for this fine footballing, the FA are set to turn the Premiership upside down and make whoever finishes bottom Champions, with the other no longer relegated clubs qualifying for Europe. Conversely, those teams at the top will be liable for relegation.

You're turning me

Chelsea, Arsenal and Manchester United have reacted with fury at the plan, feeling all their hard work for the season has been for nothing. By contrast, Iain Dowie, manager of struggling Crystal Palace claimed it was "good for the game" and "would give the smaller clubs a chance". FA boss Brian Barwick has been quick to calm the angry big clubs, and told them to read the proposal document in full. "We are not stupid enough to get rid of the huge, popular clubs that people like and that make us lots of money, in exchange for holding on to dross like Southampton. Rather, we're going to keep all the clubs together as they are now. Frankly, none of the promoted clubs have any real class."

Giving Love Instinctively

The Onion Bag has obtained a copy of the Table Inversion Proposal document and found that clause 69b(i), somewhere near the back, states:

"Table inversion will apply not just between teams at the bottom and top of the Premiership but also between teams in inferior leagues, to whit, those sides relegated by finishing top of the Premiership shall be immediately returned to the Premiership for the following season, with those clubs promoted from the lower league returning to the league from whence they come under the terms of the Leagues Inversion Agreement. Top Premiership clubs will retain their honours rights."

We called Dave Whelan, chairman of newly promoted Wigan, to ask what he thought of the news that despite being promoted, his team would not be in the Premiership next season, but his phone had been cut off because he hadn't paid the bill.

Castro