Brand Unawareness

Cup heroes to get Wembley face lift

Howard: Quite fancies being Liverpool

Sorry lads those kits just have to go

Big Si: Considering a BBC ban

Fearful of declining international FA Cup TV audiences, the Football Association have ordered all the lower league teams going to Wembley for the semi-finals to change their names to big four Premier League clubs.

Bristol Who

FA bigwigs were horrified that the top teams have been knocked out. With the global market more important then ever, they are worried that viewers World-wide will be put off by the obscure football clubs that make up what's left of the competition.

"The is sort of thing may go down very well at home" said FA Marketing Director Ernesto Cockgroupier "But the foreign broadcasters are up in arms. How will they persuade ABC1 16-35s to watch clubs like... Cardiff Albion, and West Bromwich City. I mean what the hell is a Barnsley anyway?"

How long?

The plan is for West Brom, Cardiff and Barnsley to temporarily rename themselves. Barnsley can choose between Liverpool or Chelsea. Cardiff will get Manchester United. West Brom, who like to think of themselves as the Arsenal of the Championship really will become the Arsenal of the Championship. Portsmouth are exempt from the ruling but have been told to act bigger by constantly complaining about how hard done by they are and generally being obnoxious.

The kits will be changed accordingly. However, the minnows are furious that almost all the revenue raised from their cup run plus sales from the merchandise will go to the bigger clubs. Cockroupier defended this by saying: "We can't have these valuable brands exploited by money grabbing lower league clubs trying to cash in. What ever happened to the romance of the Cup?"

Big Si

Our intrepid reporter Larry Gak asked Barnsley skipper and flavour of the month Brian Howard what he thought of the changes. Unfortunately he was too busy showing Hello magazine round his house. Larry then called manager Simon Davey and caught up with him at the local Primark trying on a new Macintosh. "Do I look like Big Sam in this?" he asked.

Duffman