Crystal Balls

Psychic ring leads to Lotto axe

Cross my palm with silver

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Derek Acorah: Senses a con-artist in his midst

A syndicate of clairvoyants, astrologers and psychics are suspected of being behind the successful prediction of the UEFA Champions League Draw which, the Onion Bag can exclusively reveal, has lead to the cancellation of this weeks Lotto.

Hat trick

Following the accurate posting of the draw on a web forum ninety minutes before it took place last Friday, all lottery competitions have been suspended until the authorities get to the bottom of the predictions. Panicky Lotto officials and compulsive gamblers are furious that the competition has been put on ice, albeit for different reasons.

Interpol spokesman Herbert Dreyfuss announced that "All contests that involve the plucking of balls are suspended until we investigate the events of last Friday's draw." The producers of hot new Sky One reality show "Britain's Next Top Fluffer" are said to be seeking clarification of the ruling.

More Charmed repeats

A number of celebrity psychics, such as Mystic Meg, Derek Acorah, Sally Morgan and that one off Harry Hill are understood to have cancelled all official engagements while their activities are investigated. Police have denied reports that schedulers for LIVING TV have thrown themselves out of their office windows with despair.

According to Dr Julius Limbani of the University of Probability in Croydon it is extremely unlikely that any supernatural power was at work. "The chances of someone correctly guessing the quarter final draw is 104-1." he told the Onion Bag's intrepid reporter Larry Gak "You don't need to be Colin Fry to work out that the draw was rigged. Although I do wish I'd ignored Colin's advice about the Cheltenham Gold Cup. Kuato Star my arse"

Horse trading

Even legendary paranormal expert and spoon bender Uri Geller is skeptical. He explained that it was unlikely that anyone could have predicted the outcome of the draw with such accuracy. "It is more likely that they read the mind of the UEFA officials before the draw was made."

Duffman