Rank And Bile

Troops called in to protect refs

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Brown: Can't see for toffees

JJB: Yesterday

Gordon Brown plans to deploy British troops to enforce an exclusion zone around referees in a last ditch attempt to curtail the rising tide of dissent from footballers.

Do yer see me toecutter?

The insane actions of Crazy Cole and Mad Masch have set off a panic amongst concerned citizens. The FA have declared that an exclusion zone be set around all referees during the game so as to prevent players from upsetting officials with their obscene gestures and foul language. Eager to jump on the bandwagon, Number 10 have intervened by sending in the British Army to stop players from getting spittle on the refs nice clean shirts.

Angle of dissent

"I, like many other Daily Mail readers are becoming increasingly terrified and paranoid by the ever growing horde of abusive footballers," said Prime Minister Brown while delivering a speech written in font size 70 and double spaced. "I have, reluctantly, been forced to concede that the only way match officials can be safe to do their duty is by sending in ground troops to protect them."

Shoot to kill

The role of the troops will be largely peacekeeping however Mr Brown was keen to stress that our brave soldiers would be able to do whatever is necessary to protect Referees and themselves: "If Ashley Cole turns his back on a referee one more time, our soldiers will have full authority to shoot him again and again and again until they finally hit him." According to opinion polls, 101% of the country are broadly in favour of the plan.

"We have already been trialling the scheme at schoolboy level," said Major General E Cockroupier of the FA Light Fusiliers while standing in a field littered with the bullet ridden corpses of 10 year olds and their parents. "Its been a complete success," he declared as he shot a twitching father in the back of the head.

Helman

Not everyone is in favour of the plan however. Veteran activist Les Dyke believes it will never work. "Our resources are stretched too thin. Not to mention the terrain at places like the JJB is the worst I've ever seen and I've been to Afghanistan. This campaign is a Stamford Bridge too far."

Duffman