Roeder: There was a spider in the dressing room

Roeder: "Is that an Araneomorphae or Mygalomorphae?"

Dowie: Who could resist?

The Onion Bag can reveal today,that the shocking truth behind the West Ham teams decision to not use the dressing room at Millmoor prior to their first division match against Ronnie Moore's Rotherham,was down to the presence of an arachnid in the showers. Further we can disclose that it was this fear of spiders that ultimately cost Glenn Roeder his job as Hammers boss.

"The lads don't take kindly to spiders" said a white faced Roeder shortly after the 1-0 defeat last Saturday.

Apparently, upon observing the spider at close quarters, Roeder became anxious and suggested to the kit man that the dressing room was too small. "He suggested to me that there was not enough room to lay out all of the players kits and that it may be a good idea to go back to the hotel and get ready there." said the club kit manager who cannot be named.

One Nil!

"I thought that this was a pretty flimsy excuse but once I saw the spider I suddenly realized why he was so anxious to leave." he rambled on. "I had a quiet word with Ronnie Moore to ask if one of their youth team players could come in an remove it but Ronnie said: "Get rid of it yerself yer soft cockney prick. I've got a team talk to rip up." then he just walked off laughing. When it became clear that no one was going to get rid of it we agreed to go back to the hotel room."

By half time the spider had gone down a plug hole so Roeder could deliver his half time teamtalk back in the changing room but it was too late too change the course of the match and Rotherham won 1-0 (yes you mentioned that three times now-Ed).

The very next day and unbeknownst to Roeder however, the West Ham board were scrutinizing the terms of the contract and discovered that outwardly displaying arachnophobia was a breech of the terms of the contract and promptly dismissed him after two years in charge.

Eight Legged Freaks

"We regret to announce," announced an oddly relieved club spokes person "that under Sub Section J of the "Flimsy excuses to sack a manager long after you should have done" clause, blatant arachnophobia would be grounds for instant dismissal. As a consequence we have terminated Glenn Roeder's contract quicker than we can say 'Has anyone got Iain Dowie's phone number'."

"We should further like to express the appreciation and thanks of the board to Glenn for his hard work and commitment to club over the last two years. You know, what with him nearly dying and everything." he continued in front of a rapidly emptying press conference who thought he had finished talking.

Duffman