Exposed: Player Fly-tipping Scandal

Unwanted soccer players left by the roadside

Viva: Victim

Earnshaw: Soiled

Bellamy: Tipped

"Its an absolute bloody disgrace. Almost every morning I drive up to the ground and there they are, lying outside out main gates, just left there. Disgusting." Simon is a football club chairman from south London and for weeks now has had to deal with a new and unforeseen consequence of the Bosman ruling and the collapse of the football transfer market: Player fly-tipping.

Superfly

"They pick on the relegated clubs" says Simon whose football club chose not to be named. "They think that I'm so desperate to sign players that I'll use their shitty ones. They don't understand I'm struggling with the ones I've got." he told us while shoveling up a discarded and somewhat soiled Robbie Earnshaw then throwing it into a skip. "God the stench" he recoiled "Some of these players really stink."

But this new practice is not confined to the lower leagues. Premier league clubs are constantly fending off fly-tippers.

Freddies dead

Peter, a chief executive for a west London club has resorted to employing security guards specifically to stop rogue tippers. "Fortunately we have some contacts with some Russian gangsters. They seem to stop the worst of it. But you can't turn your back for a minute" he said.

The Onion Bag's intrepid reporter Larry Gak has managed to track down one of the perpetrator's in the north east of England. For legal reasons he can only be known as "Freddie".

If theres a hell below

He refused an interview preferring to read a prepared statement: "I have never even heard of let alone undertaken any activity described as "fly-tipping" unwanted football players. We dispose of our players responsibly by using landfills, incinerators and Bolton Wanderers."

When our reporter returned to his company Vauxhall Viva he found the boot had been stuffed full of Craig Bellamy.

Duffman