Life On The Cole Face

Sir Bob pushes for Chelsea contracts for all

We don't like Mondays

Love machine

Situations vacant

Make poverty in football history – that’s the message being sent out by stars of the pop world like Dido and Coldplay.

"It's time the world sat up and took notice of what's happening to these people" an impassioned Midge Ure told Onion Bag reporter Larry Gak.

F**k the addresses

It is estimated that, every single day in the UK alone up to 3000 professional footballers miss out on having a lucrative contract with Chelsea.

There are many touching stories, like those of Frank and Ashley. Frank, a migrant worker from Europe, living in North London has been kept enslaved by the people who brought him over. 'I thought this would be the land of opportunity, but instead I have been treated like a dog.'

Send in your money

Ashley, a close neighbour of Frank's, scrapes a meagre existance on just £27,000 a week. "My boss promised me a pay rise but I got nothing. When I reminded him later he just snorted like a frenchmen. It was humiliating."

"It's almost impossible for us in the western world to comprehend how people can actually live on such a small amount" said Band Aid organizer Bob Geldof. Hopefully by getting a bunch of my celebrity pals together we can bring the problem to the public's attention. Let's lobby government and make sure that there are Chelsea contracts for anyone who wants one.

What reasons could there be?

Ashley was astounded at the level of support shown by Sir Bob, "It's amazing, I can't wait to see my girlfriend Cheryl's band, Girls Aloud, singing on the same stage as U2 and REM." To which Sir Bob remained strangely silent.

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