Hutton To Probe 99 Red Balloons

Sky's Man of the year to head transfer inquiry

Hutton: Eats public service broadcasters for breakfast

McManus: 99 Questions

Nena: 99 Luftballons

Straight talking former law lord Brian Hutton has been appointed to lead the inquiry on the transfer activities of Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson.

The inquiry was sparked by big shot Irish horse people J.P. (Mick) McManus and Long John Magnier after they presented the Old Trafford board with Ninety nine red balloons. Each balloon had a question written on the side regarding the Man U boss and his son Jason Ferguson and there involvement in the transfer deals of a number of United players.

Dyke

Following the receipt of the balloons, United Chief Executive David Gill announced that Lord Hutton will be chairing the inquiry "Right after he'd finished off the BBC."

Sir Alex welcomed the inquiry stating that he was looking forward to having his name cleared. When The Onion Bag pointed out that his confidence may be premature as the investigation has not even begun yet, the Reds manager merely chuckled while taking some Manchester United plc share certificates out of a brown paper envelope marked "Greg Dyke" and placing them into another one marked "Lord Hutton".

Carcass

Gill was also confident that Ferguson would be cleared by the former Northern Ireland Chief Justice. He belived that Hutton "knows which side his breads buttered on." And that he will "do you right thing."

Hutton himself said very little on the matter. We caught up with him in a west London restaurant feasting on the carcass of a BBC Governor while admiring a bouquet of flowers and a jereboam of Champagne with a card that had the inscription: "Brian, Thanks for all you've done. Love Tony and all the lads at Number 10."

"I shall conduct this inquiry within it's remit defined to me by the board of Manchester United and Sir Alex Ferguson." he said while removing some meat that was stuck in his teeth. "The 99 questions that do not fall within that remit shall not be addressed in this investigation.". We asked him what that actually meant in English to which he replied. "To answer this question the following issues need to be investigated... oh look... your fly is undone."

We always fall for that one.

Duffman