Rondingo

Mister Ron, he be good to us, Sah

Ron: Happy with the locals

Ron: Boss man

Disgraced manager and ex-commentator Ron Atkinson may be on the run from marauding liberal types and Guardian readers, but The Onion Bag can exclusively reveal the whereabouts of the former jingly- jangly showman.

Our intrepid reporter, Larry Gak, claimed a hefty expenses demand (the Bag has more money than it knows what to do with) and jetted first class to the deep south of the good old USA, the place where hospitality is everything and black people were, well, until recently, at the beck and call of any portly white man lucky enough to be in possession of a big stick and run a business that turned a few cents.

Southern Comfort

Gak caught up with Ron on his Louisiana plantation where the white-suited former football honcho had this to say: "I don't know what all the fuss is about. I love the darkie fellas. Pay them a good wage and they'll work hard. But when you see a slacker like Desailly, you need to whip that shirking, no-good nig-", at which point Ron's lawyer told us the interview was over.

On his way out, Gak bumped into various employees of the Atkinson Molasses Corp., one of whom asked to remain anonymous but who we'll call C. Palmer, said: "Mister Ron, he be good to us, sah! Yes sah! He not whip us or no thing! He feed us and cloth us for a good day's work. Yes, masser. Don't whip me, masser! Ah iz Mister Bojangles, sah!"

Jack Daniels

Unsure of what to make of all of this, the Bag's Gak carried on his way out, passing endless nubile half- caste young women who bore an uncanny resemblance to Ron Atkinson and kept repeating, "Why sir! Surely a handsome young man like you must be offside, I do declare!"

Moonshine

Gak then asked the local Ku Klux Klan group if they had ever heard of Ron. "The Great White Master Wizard of All The Lord Doth See?! Wah, yes, my boy! General Ron, why! He's quite something around these parts! Al-ways a-whipping them lazy, thick niggers into shape! Why don't you come inside, son, and meet ma daughter, Daisy? She's young an' available, so long as you got no Jew blood in yer..."

Castro