Truth About Beckham Intruder Revealed

Anxious Nancy was trying to speak to Posh

Got new bird

Bit of old bird

Posh: Thick as shite in the neck of a bottle

Initial reports that the intruder carrying petrol cans recently arrested in the grounds of Beckingham Palace was a 38-year-old junkie have been sensationally dismissed by the police, the Onion Bag can reveal.

A snitch on the force told us it was in fact Nancy Dell'Olio, the creepy Italian ex-girlfriend of England boss Sven Goran Eriksson, who was sneaking through the trees at the Hertfordshire home of fading footballer David Beckham and his already faded wife, Victoria, intent on spying.

Taking A Dump

Dell'Olio, 68, broke up last week with Eriksson, 69, after a bitter and public spat over exactly who the Swede was shagging. Despite their advanced years, both parties were last night still claiming, in a teenage way, that it was they who had done the dumping and were not the dumpee, if you follow us.

But the heartbroken Italian claimed she was only keen to talk to Posh about the affair after the ex-Spice Girl's own very public humiliation when husband David nobbed some bird he worked with in Spain.

Dell'Olio was caught after tripping over stacks of unsold Posh albums that had been dumped in the grounds of Beckingham Palace by pissed off record company bosses.

Common As Muck

In a statement, Victoria Beckham said, "Wot I am trying to say is I don't want that bitch in my 'ouse, innit. Ar got kiddies in 'ere. Plus...

Swe-... Sre-... Sven is 'ere wiv his new bird - she's a secrmetary, innit - and we woz all 'avin a pizza from Icelands. A big one wiv pineapples all on it, and Blue Nun. And David was back home, too also. Who does she fink she is? I'm sorry, but she don't realise who I is, er, am. Innit."

Juvenile Carry On

Miss Dell'Olio later admitted to an Italian newspaper that she was in the grounds, trying to spy on Sven. After translation, she said, "My mate told another mate that another mate had seen Sven talking to this other girl near the bus stop. But I'd already dumped him by then so he never two-timed me. I'd heard she was a minger and I was right. I wasn't shamed."

We tracked Sven down to an early evening party and asked him if he was shagging a minger but he'd already mixed vodka with red wine and beer and was waiting for his Dad to come and pick him up and take him home.

Castro