Ref Abuse Scandal

The referee's a w**nker... if the price is right

Oooooh baby...

...yes, yes, yes...

...squelch

The Onion Bag has uncovered a secret ring of sexual abuse involving highly paid soccer stars and the game's officials. Football players are paying sums of up to £250,000 to abuse referees publicly for sexual gratification. This latest craze is called reffing off.

Call me a w**ker

This perverted practise has been going on in park football for years. Fat hungover pub players would promise the official a cheese sandwich in exchange for calling him a "piggy eye f**king c**kring" for instance. But in recent months it has found its way up through the higher echelons of the beautiful game to the point where high profile Premiership players are at it.

"These players like to get their rocks off calling the ref things like 'short sighted little c**ts'." Says Les Dyke, Chair of the hastily assembled Reffing Off Awareness Support Group. "Lets face it," she continues unprompted, "footballers earn enough money in one week to rebuild several houses in south Asia. But helping poor people put their shattered lives back together again doesn't raise a stiffy quite like telling a referee that he should shove his white stick up his arse and cough it back out of his gob."

Call me a c**t

Our intrepid reporter Larry Gak first discovered what was going on during his daily browsing of porn sites on the Internet. He stumbled across a website where referees and players(using aliases) would arrange which fixtures to give and receive verbal abuse.

Prices are negotiated using the website's message board. Football players using names like The Mick Mick Hater and Shriveled Snatch Lover, conduct their sordid business with refs going under such aliases as Blimey O'Riley and Poll Dancer.

Call me

The Referee's Association has vigorously denied the existence of reffing off. "The suggestions that our members take cash for being called a c**t is ridiculous and untrue." Said a spokesman. "And if I'm lying, you can call me a self important sh*tbag, desperate for attention and whose small minded obsession with sticking to petty rules is an attempt to make up for the fact that my wife won't let me touch her any more."

Duffman