Keep Your Hair On, Johnny

Johnny P loses his wig - again

Johnny Pundit: No freind of the comb-over

Bobby Charlton: Ground-breaking

The White Rabbit: Full 90 minutes

Funny old thing, Football. For instance, footballers' hairstyles. I'm no stranger to fashion — only last Tuesday I bought a new pair of brogues — but footballers' hairstyles today bring out my inner Blimp.

Never have enough Brylcreem

Sure, we were fashion icons in our day too. There was a huge range of elegant styles: short back and sides, short sides and back, short sides and short back. The choice was endless. And you could never have enough Brylcreem. If the Busby Babes had gone down in a boat rather than a plane, you would have seen the oil slick from miles away.

Meeting the White Rabbit

Now I'm as fond of a little 'gender bending' as the next man (or whatever) but really, either you're a man on the football field or you're not. In my day, it was seen as a little 'avant garde' or 'open-minded' to attempt a comb-over. I mean, you should have seen the stick Bobby Charlton got. Honestly, that man was the 'Boy George' of his day — he really pushed the boundaries. Now you have players wearing 'Alice bands', for the love of God! Who do they think they'll be meeting in the centre of defence — Tweedledum and Tweedledee? The White Rabbit?

Walking candy floss

Thank God for that fellah at 'Boro, Xavier, who dyes his hair: he may look like a walking stick of candy floss, but at least it's entertaining. And terribly helpful for short-sighted commentators on a foggy day. But as for this latest fashion, all feathery and mussed-up, it makes the players look like flustered parakeets. 'Dragged through a hedge backwards' appears less a put-down than a perfectly acceptable technique. Suppose we shouldn't forget that 'atrocious Barnet' needn't just mean a 0-0 draw at Underhill.

Just a little bit off the top.

Johnny Pundit