Secret Uefa Minger Directive

UEFA chiefs like to bang one out at football matches

Those Lovely Ladies of Leeds

Don't think much of yours

Must stay at least 100 yards away from

The recent departure of Deportivo La Coruna and Chelsea from the Champions League was accompanied with the customary shots on TV of distraught fans crying in disappointment. In a shocking disclosure, information recently sent to The Onion Bag reveals that these trite shots, long the domain of bored TV directors with little or no imagination, are in fact ordered by UEFA in an effort to make Euro football more entertaining by upping the foreign totty quotient.

Dutch Filth

We spoke to one director, who said: "It's true. There's this Dutch bloke in the control room with us who scopes out all the talent in the crowd, then close to the final whistle says, Now you will be pleased to be pointing your cameras at that lady. The one with the sad eyes and big breasts. Oh ja, you are sad, baby. Let Willi make it better for you. Ooh, aah.' Typically," the director added, "we're required to get in at least three shots per game, which is all well and good when you watching the Spanish or the Italians, but the Chelsea match was hard. They're all short-cropped meat heads there - and that's the just the women."

This highlights a problem as the lack of talent at British football matches makes it difficult for home broadcasters to comply. Someone at ITV told us: "Loads of birds go to the footy abroad. But here, well, we have to make do with a fat git from Yorkshire who has scrawled Leedz Till I Dye' on his beer belly with his mum's lipstick."

Euro Porn

UEFA has been quick to refute claims that it is more interested in showing flesh than football. Spokesperson Bent Kum told us, "It is not true. Us Europeans are not filthy perverts. We are just open about our sexiness, all the ways we can do it, and the ways that can help us. Why not combine the football with the love? What a beautiful combination. Next, we plan naked ladies football, with utensils...", at which point Herr Kum was withdrawn from the interview. Another spokesperson hurriedly continued, "UEFA has absolutely no filthy plans. There is no secret directive. We are just about the football. Now goodbye."

Good Personality

Community activist and ugly people spokesperson Les Dyke is also up in arms. "Ugly people have as much a right to be on the telly as non-uglies. I am very disappointed to hear that UEFA just wants to pick out the lookers in the crowd. I've got a great personality and a good sense of humour. This is cynical exploitation of fine features for improved TV ratings." Dyke, who really is a minger - trust us - added, "I am calling for ugly people across Europe to attend games and stop this vile practice. The more mingers we have in the crowd, the better it is for everyone. Except beautiful people."

Castro