Crouch Too Tall For Relegation Roller-coaster

Busy bodies block basement battlers' beanpole

Roller-coaster: Highs and lows

Crouch: Tall order

Flynn: Short order

Southampton’s desperate fight to avoid relegation was dealt a serious blow yesterday when one of their key players was banned for his freakish height.

Peter Crouch, the saints’ 6’7" striker has been told that his inhuman physique could be a danger to himself were he to spend an extended period of time on the relegation roller-coaster. Health and safety busy-bodies pulled the player out of the vital derby match with Portsmouth just minutes before kick-off – the Saints went on to be trounced 4-1.

Tied-up

FA officials say their hands are tied "this ruling comes direct from Brussels – we can't leave ourselves open to legal action" a spokesperson told the Onion Bag. "We have to make sure that anyone outside of approved height ranges, people with spinal problems and pregnant women are removed from the dangers presented by the end of season ups and downs."

Boss 'Arry Redknapp was incensed "it's bloody daft if you ask me. I've never 'eard of anyfing so ridiculous, but if it gives me somefing else to blame rather just being a bit crap – then I guess we have to put up with it" he grudgingly accepted.

The ruling has also meant that Wales's assistant coach, 5'2" Brian Flynn has been excluded from any future management merry-go-rounds.

Sp3ktor