Usa 'invade' Fifa Ranks

Americans better than England?

Dogbolter: biting

Americans: \'rankers\'

Women footballers: Must stay at least 100 yards away from

English football xenophobes are outraged after FIFA's latest table of world rankings revealed that the Yanks are better than us. And France. The US are now officially the sixth best team in the world, in a list that is topped by Brazil.

Long Good Friday

Nick Dogbolter, chairman of the far-right England supporters' group RazorSlash, told the Onion Bag, "It's a facking disgrace, innit? I mean, we invented the bloody game, didn't we? What have the Yanks ever dun? England has given the world: culture, genius, sophistication. Bit more than an 'ot dog, know what I mean?

Mona Lisa

Elsewhere in the game, there is a sense that the US are trying to take over football. FIFA spokesman Bent Kum said, "Jah, ve are afraid of zee Americanische. First zey invade Iraq, and now zee ranking table." The invasion coincides with the recent action in the English Premiership which saw the tiny island of Manchester United overrun by US forces.

A Prayer For The Dying

It is also thought that the growing prominence of rubbish women's football on TV over the past few years is a 'softening up' process to prepare the English game for the American invasion. The game is very popular with women in the US, who are breeding soccer players at an alarming rate.

By the year 2035, it is estimated that every American citizen will be a professional footballer, and they'll all need jobs. "European clubs have a lot to fear," someone told us.

TwentyFourSeven

The Onion Bag says: those Yankees may think they're the best, and they may have beaten us 1-0 years ago, but they'll never break our spirit! We'll fight them on the beaches, on the football pitch, and on the terraces. Up yours, Uncle Sam! There'll always be an England, etc...

Castro