Rooney Rage Is 4-star Solution

Teen's anger to replace petrol at the pumps

Rooney: Angry. Angry young man

Slitheen: Are you Rooney in disguise?

Granny: Cleaned up brasso

As England and Manchester United star Wayne Rooney continues to get angrier and angrier, scientific boffins believe they have found a way to harness his out-of-control rage and turn it into precious petrol for the nation's crisis-hit motorists.

Paradise Lost

Rooney again demonstrated his formidable temper in the scoreless Champions League match against Villarreal by sarcastically applauding referee Kim Milton Nielsen who had just yellow-carded him, thereby earning himself a red card. The incident followed his near-sending off in the recent England debacle against Northern Ireland.

Slitheen

Scientician Dr Julius Limbani of the Manchester Centre for Sport and Fuel Studies believes Rooney's rage can be converted into vital car fuel by opening his forehead and unleashing the power. Limbani said, "I saw it an episode of Doctor Who. Some overweight git unzipped his head and loads of light came out. The parallels with Wayne cannot be ignored. If we can just find the zip and get the power into the pumps, we'll have enough fuel for everyone for years!"

While sceptics have been quick to dismiss Dr Limbani's claims, suggesting even Rooney is sure to mellow and relax with age, the realisation that he is a valuable source of power will not have been lost on Manchester United's new owners, the hated American Malcolm Glazer. It is feared Rooney's power will be exported to the US rather than utilised at home.

Brasso

Rooney's temper has increased notably since his wife-to-be Colleen put the kibosh on his nocturnal dalliances with septuagenarian tarts in Moss Side brothels, indicating he is suffering from a form of sexual frustration. Dr Limbani agrees. "The project will require Wayne to remain celibate. Him going round emptying his bollocks over old grannies is no good at all."

Castro