Gazza: My Anti-globalisation Hell

Former England star hounded by yogurt weaving protestors

G8 Expectations

Gazza: Took bad advice... again

Five Bellies, six tits

The footballer formerly known as Paul Gascoigne has revealed that his life has been made a living hell since he changed his name to G8. Hippies are targeting the England ace after it emerged that his new name was chosen following a lucrative sponsorship deal with the group of eight leading industrialised nations.

They'rrrrre G8!

Prime Minister Tony Blair is hosting the next G8 summit at Gleneagles in 2005. In anticipation of the large-scale protests usually seen at these summits in the past, government advisers have suggested giving the informal group of economic super powers a human face. New Labour arse-lick, Alan Milburn, told the Onion Bag "We think Gazza has the right socio-economic profile for our target aspirational C2DE audience"; not understanding what this meant we went to talk to someone else.

Darn wif da monarky

Egg-wielding political activist, Les Dyke, told the Onion Bag "This choice is obviously a smokescreen. They want people to associate G8 with a cheeky chappy who likes a laugh and a joke, when really they are a group of fat cats who want to rape the third world of their resources, destroy the environment and drown kittens."

Dyke fumed: "We want Gazza to rethink his name change, we think Rainbow Warrior would be a much better choice."

Legend

It is understood that nameplates for the summit have already been produced for George "Wuzza" Bush and Tony "five bellies" Blair. Sources would neither confirm nor deny that eight pairs of fake breasts have also been ordered.

Gazza has decided to change his name as he is shamed by his past, and is seen as a failure in the media after a career that only saw him single-handedly take England to two major semi-finals.

Sp3ktor