Back-to-basics Training Session Ends In Filthy Farce

Sven's training leaves lot to be desired

Rooney: Practising bed wetter

Sky Sports News presenter: Must stay at least 100 yards away from

Dominatrix Chair: This way up

An emergency training session ordered by the FA in the wake of England's pathetic defeat to Spain last week ended in chaos yesterday when Dirty Sven's bizarre methods went too far.

The FA insisted that Eriksson coach the players as soon as possible because that's what he's paid to do and, as became apparent in the Spain friendly, the team had forgotten what "to pass" meant. The Onion Bag's Larry Gak, posing as a fluffer, blagged his way into the FA's Soho Square headquarters and witnessed the debacle.

Passing Game

It began well enough with a simple round of pass the parcel in an effort to introduce the squad to the notion of moving one object successfully between each other. To the strains of Frankie Goes To Hollywood's "Relax", a wrapped-up ball was passed around the room but soon caused trouble when Tord Grip stopped the music, leaving Gary Neville in possession. The late Wayne Rooney then threw a strop, climbed out of his cot and walked off, pissing and swearing as he went,

Long Ball

Eriksson, who was by now naked bar a blood-red arrow painted on his chest and pointing at his groin, then ordered the introduction of Slave 1 Dominatrix chairs - the kind with an 11-inch latext phallus projecting upwards from the centre of the seat and announced the next game would be musical chairs. The players nervously shuffled around the chairs - except for Phil Neville who seemed excited and intrigued by the unorthodox furniture. Unfortunately for Neville, such was his fixation that he wasn't alert to the music stopping and missed out on the chair-sodomy inflicted on the rest of the squad.

Georgie's Best

The final exercise saw Sven improve the players' accuracy by having them pin a bunny tail on the behind of a Playboy outfitted female Sky Sports News presenter before FA officials demanded to know what was going on, and could they have a go too?

Last night, the FA ordered an inquiry. And a curry.

Castro