Cliff's Fa Number One

Peter Pan of Pop moves to Soho Square

Look out! Cliff!

Squeaky

Clean

In a surprise appointment, the Football Association has announced that its new Chief Executive is none other than Sir Cliff Richard. It is hoped that the puritanical Sir Cliff will clean up the FA's image, and his first task is likely to be putting a stop to the spate of recent sex scandals, including orgies at board meetings and perverted training sessions, that have rocked the game's governing body to its core.

Devil Woman

Sir Cliff was a late addition to the short list of candidates, which included the Head of Sport at ITV, a train driver, and a petrol station manager. It is understood that he offered his services after a personal appeal from His Holiness Pope Trevor I, the Pope of English football, who was himself appointed to put a halt to a succession of FA PR gaffes.

Living Doll

Speaking at a press conference, Sir Cliff said, "Um, hi! I think there's a lot of good things we can do here. Let's start right now by signing a hymn," at which point the assembled hacks shuffled off to find the free coffee.

All Adds Up To Voodoo

The appointment is sure to be a controversial one and will split the FA's executive committee down the middle, especially as it is thought that Sir Cliff plans to install former England boss and tedious God-squadder Glen Hoddle in a consultancy role. Many committee members had campaigned for the appointment of Brian Barwick, ITV's Head of Sport and a frequent PCP user, while others had sought to maintain the status quo and continue with hedonism and worship of Dionysus, the option thought to be favoured by Sven Goran-Eriksson.

Sir Cliff will earn in the region of £250,000 in the high-powered role but gets the whole of the Wimbledon fortnight off each year.

Castro