Crisis Over At The Lane

Spurs chiefs' relief as mediocrity returns

Levy: Master plan

Santini: Nothing without his robot helicopter

Chas and Dave: Knees have gone all trembly

The crisis surrounding Tottenham Hotspur was finally ended at the weekend as Dominic Santini's team managed a defeat away to London rivals Fulham. Santini's arrival in the summer had contributed to Spurs' surprise (ie, quite good) start to the season, alarming fans and the boardroom alike. Showing the faith they placed in him, however, Santini has managed to steer the club to their current, cosy mid-table slot.

Are You Being Served?

Losing to Fulham was the culmination of what had been an uncharacteristic start to the season for the north London club. Eight points from their first four games caused alarm as Tottenham found themselves edging towards the top of the table. Questions were asked of Santini and the players before both proved their worth at the Cottage last Saturday.

'Allo 'Allo

At the post-match press conference, manager Santini said, "Good moaning. We'd been pissing and dribbling quite well. So I am pleased that they have stopped this." Celebrity Spurs fans and cheeky London singalong kings Chas 'n' Dave interrupted their busy schedule to tell The Onion Bag, "Tottenham, Tottenham, no-one can stop them..." before we hung up the phone.

It Ain't Half Hot, Mum

With the chance of any league success this season now ended by the latest dire display, the club will have sighed a huge, er, sigh of relief, and it would appear that the gamble to appoint former France boss and helicopter co-pilot Santini has paid off. Chairman Daniel Levy, who has successfully kept Spurs from going anywhere since taking over, is by all accounts now delighted with his manager.

Dad's Army

He now plans for Spurs, who have only scored six Premiership goals all season, to sell Robbie Keane, Freddie Kanoute, and Jermain Defoe to rule out any possiblity they may start scoring a hatful of goals. Talks are ongoing to secure Rob Earnshaw, Paul Dickov, and Emile Heskey as replacements.

Castro