Dead In A Week

Mourinho fears for life after Keane video

Mourinho: Not looking his best

MUTV: Reaching out

Keane: In happier times

Chelsea boss Jose Mourinho has gone into hiding in fear of his life. The Chelsea supremo blamed dark forces on ending his side's 40 game unbeaten run at Manchester United.

A man who prides himself on his pre-match research, Mourinho insisted on viewing the infamous Roy Keane MUTV interview in which the Manchester United captain lambasted his overpaid, useless colleagues.

Video nasty

"I watched the video," he told Onion Bag reporter Larry Gak. "It was strange, fuzzy and rather difficult to understand. Then it started to get wierd. Was it really him - was he really slagging off his own team mates?"

Visibly shaken, he continued: "Maybe it was the absinthe, but it looked like he was crawling out of the telly to get me. You must believe me."

Nuisance calls

His nightmare-ish story continued: "I switched it off and slumped back in my chair - then a few seconds later the phone rang. I answered, and a strange voice in a scottish accent said to me "f***in' deed in a week, ye sh*tin' fag-arse".

Contains mild peril

The staff at the Onion bag have got hold of the only known copy of the tape and watched it through to the end.

The tape, which is of very poor quality starts with Ruud van Nistelrooy combing his hair. Then Roy Keane appears and starts speaking in tongues. His mad staring eyes looking out of the screen directly at us.

As soon as we finished watching it, the telephone rang.

Sp3ktor