Sky Wars

Premier plans Battle Royale for TV rights

The hunt is on

Wolf: Contender ready

Gallagher: Must stay at least 100 yards away from

Rival broadcasters will be forced to fight each other in hand-to-hand combat on a desert island if they want to screen live football matches in the future.

Six pack

A new dictat from interfering foreigners at the European Union have demanded that English Premier League TV rights not be sold to just the one broadcaster (currently BSkyB). So instead, six packs of 23 games will be sold off with no one broadcaster allowed to hold all six.

With competition between media outlets expected to be fierce, Premier League Chief Executive Peter Scudamore has decided upon the unorthodox format for bidding. "Each company will nominate a champion who will all land on a far off island," he explained to a befuddled press conference. "Hidden therein will be six gold discs. Each one is a token representing a pack of live matches. Contestants will hunt for the discs and then make their way back to the rendezvous point. They are not allowed to collect more than five. Apart from that there are no rules."

Your call is important to us

Not all companies have selected their champions yet but ITV are expected to select Wolf from '90's ratings smash hit "Gladiators". Five will choose rubbish sports anchor and former England winger John Barnes. Sky have seconded The Sun's Rebekkah Wade. We rang cable giants NTL and Telewest to ask who they were sending but were put on hold for ten minutes before being connected to a half-witted school leaver in a call centre who hung up on us before we could even finish asking him.

Alive & Kicking

Experts are concerned that the contestants will soon revert to their base instincts and run amok in a savage battle for survival and non-exclusive TV rights. Dr Julius Limbani from the Institute of Commercial Blunders based at Croydon University believes there will be a bloodbath.

"After a while, the champagne and cocaine will leave their bloodstream and they will revert to a feral state," he said. "There will be brutal in-fighting, poaching and eye gouging. It'll be like some hideous reality show. Maybe with Kirsty Gallagher hosting it. I know I'd watch it."

Duffman