Springer To Settle South Coast Squabble

Live TV debate to resolve Redknapp crisis

Jerry: Making misery entertaining

The way we were

Love rats

Talk-show host Jerry Springer has been called in to find a resolution in the dispute between Portsmouth and Southampton over Harry Redknapp. The show, titled "I'm leaving you for my ex!", will be shown live on television next week.

Springer shot to fame with his explosively frank talk-shows bringing low-intelligence, under-class types to blows over such subjects as paternity, fidelity and incest. It is thought that his natural way of handling these types of inflamatory issues makes him the perfect candidate for sorting the managerial tussle between the south coast clubs.

Redknapp sensationally quit the Saints on Saturday - after just short of a year at the club - to seemingly re-take the reigns at the club he walked out on last year.

Sleazy does it

The story seems ripped directly from the pages of the gutter press: Harry and Milan seem happy enough, but Harry grows tired of Milan's continental dalliances. Harry walks out on Milan and shacks up with next-door neighbour Rupert.

However, poor Harry soon discovers that Rupert is carrying-on with charismatic Clive on the side. Unhappy Harry continues in this doomed relationship, until he discovers that Milan has chucked his French bit and is suddenly single.

Talk to the hand

He packs his bags and wishes Rupert and Clive all the best, hoping against hope that Milan will take him back. Clive however, gets cold feet: he's happy being the bit on the side and no more, leaving Rupert in a sticky situation. Rupert gets all melodramatic and tries to stop Harry from leaving setting up an intense tug-of-love for the manager's services.

Jerry's final word

Jerry is confident of finding an amicable and entertaining close to the story: "We handle lots of stories like this, you'd be surprised how often this sort of thing happens in the trailer parks of Kentucky, " he told intrepid Onion Bag reporter, Larry Gak.

"The one I feel sorry for is Jamie. It's always the kids that get caught up in middle of these things and no-one thinks about them. I hope we can get him crying on camera saying that he just wants his daddy to be happy."

Take care of yourselves, and each other.

Sp3ktor