Gazza: Not Bonkers Enough

Psycho billy nutter needs to be madder

Gazza: mad enough?

Gascoigne (right) has support of staff

Bruno: His Excellency President for Life, Field Marshal Frank Bruno, VC, DSO, MC, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea, and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular

Troubled footballer Paul Gascoigne has declared himself mad in an effort to get out of the many and varied holes he has dug for himself in the past seven days. Gazza seemed to have licked his demons when he became manager of non-League Kettering Town last month. But no sooner had he started than a PR mix-up nearly led to him becoming the next James Bond.

Lover

Subsequent allegations of drinking on the job and a run of indifferent results led Kettering chairman Imraan Ladak to fire Gascoigne a week ago. Gazza responded in a bizarre interview by announcing that he could not be fired because he had no contract. "I'll be on the team bus tomorrow," he declared with determination. "My staff are all behind me. I'm a multimillionaire and I'll buy the club," he continued, slurring his words. Regarding the allegations of drinking on the job, he claimed "I only had a double brandy. Precious, sweet brandy. Beautiful saviour. Eternal mother, secret lover..."

Ghost

Later that night, Gascoigne got pissed after attending a fundraiser in Liverpool for an alcohol rehabilitation centre, punched a photographer and got arrested. In desperation, and on the advice of his lawyers, Gascoigne declared himself mad in the same way that useless businessmen declare themselves bankrupt. For good measure, he also claimed to be possessed by the spirits (for there are many of them, naturally) of George Best.

Knacker

A police spokesman made the following statement: "Mr Gascoigne claims to be mad. We think it's drunkenness. He needs to be madder if he thinks we're going to fall for that. We haven't even had him sectioned yet."

Sober and bailed the next day, Gascoigne said sorry to everyone, accepted he'd got the boot, and faded off into a media no-mans-land with a promise that he would "make a piss-up of himself again someday soon."

Sad

The Onion Bag's Larry Gak callously went and bothered another troubled sports star and household favourite, Frank Bruno, who genuinely went mad a little while ago. Our man asked from a distance, "Is Gazza madder than you, Frank?" Sadly, the depressed former pugilist could offer only a laboured and lonely "Heh heh heh. Know what I mean?" from behind his front door.

Castro