Weekly football conversation since 2009, with Graham Sibley, Jan Bilton and Terry Duffelen. Listen on Acast, Apple, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, TuneIn or your podcatcher of choice.

Fifa Ban Goals



Two strikes and you're out, say soccer chiefs

On a yellow
On a yellow
God save the King!
God save the King!
Truly awful
Truly awful
In a radical response to players over-celebrating after scoring goals, FIFA boss Sepp Blatter is set to turn football on its head by insisting referee's book players after scoring.
Prime directive
Under the new directive, any players scoring a goal will be issued a yellow card, irrespective of whether they celebrate or not. This also means that if a player scores two goals, he'll be sent off.

Miserable FIFA officials are said to be sick to death of watching fit young men, such as Tottenham's Jermaine Defoe, tearing their shirts off in ecstatsy as they celebrate yet another £10,000 goal bonus.

"The unbridled affection shown after a goal is unacceptable and does not conform with FIFA's view of players behaviour on the field. There must and shall be order."
Come on me luvlies
According to The Onion Bag's Football Statistician, Arthur Witty, the official goal celebration guidlines under Articles H957 of FIFA's Big Book Of Rules hasn't changed since 1910.

Upon scoring a goal, etiquette dictates that the player may:

Remove his cap and hold it aloft for a period not exceeding four seconds.

Wax his handlebar moustache.

Stand to attention and toast the King's health.

Distribute an array of fine shag, Capstans and exotic Morrocan herbs to all players by the goal scorer's man servant. This applies to gentlemen only.
Europe beckons
Sam Allerdyce, manager of table topping Bolton Wanderers is appalled at the idea. "I'd have had two players sent off last saturday." He told The Onion Bag. "I know we want to be as good as Arsenal but this is ridiculous."

However, David Moyes, coach of the truly awful Everton was upbeat about the new edict. "If we sell Rooney we should easily win the Fair Play Award and a place in Europe next season."
GTM Threebottoms

Get in touch with us

Name

Email *

Message *

Latest podcast

Never miss a podcast

Don't forget to subscribe to our weekly newsletter - The Weekend Boxset - which tells you all about the seven must watch games on your TV over the weekend.