Jose Nostradamus

Mourinho predicts end of the World

Jose: You are all doomed

The end of the world (artist's impression)

Posh & Becks: Seeking Nanny

Victorious Manager of Premier League Champions Chelsea has cause shock and terror by naming the date the world will end.

Bolt-on fixture

Mourinho made this announcement in a press conference the day after he and a select group of friends and Ukrainian bodyguards celebrated the Blues title triumph at a gentleman's club until three o'clock in the morning. Jose's reputation as a prodigious pre-cog comes from his statement at the beginning of the season that Chelsea would win the title in their away fixture at Bolton.

Draconian

The bewildered hacks were forced to spit out their early morning Stamford Bridge coffee and cough up their breakfast doughnuts in amazement when ,while speculating on Chelsea's prospects for next season, calmly told all present the exact date the World would end.

Hang the DJ

To prevent worldwide panic on the streets, the date of reckoning itself is subject to a publication ban from the Government under section One-Eleven of the Unnecessary Powers Act 2005. Better known as the "Baseball Bat Clause".

Cross my palm

Just before the ban, The Onion Bag revealed the date to internationally renowned psychic and magician Earnest Cockgroupier, currently performing at his sellout show at the end of Southend Pier (matinees free for OAP's). "There is great power in Mourinho's words. Truly the end of the World is nigh. Now is the time to book for my summer tour of the South Coast. Hurry! Before its too late.".

Yes Milady

Despite the Government ban we are able to disclose the other predictions made by Jose: "I predict, a below 50% turnout at the general election, Posh & Becks new nanny will find herself in a sticky situation, the Daleks will return to Doctor Who and Scott Parker is finished at Chelsea."

Duffman