And Don't Come Back

Sunderland told they can't return

Black Cats: Unlucky

Scudamore: Keeping the sponsors happy

Easy route back

Premier League chiefs have issued a double blow to top flight whipping-boys Sunderland as they have been told they have to be promoted twice from the Championship in order to return to the premiership.

Spanking

Sunderland were finally relegated over the Easter weekend having registered just 12 points from 35 games. They also extended their non-winning home run to 27 premiership games following a second half spanking by local rivals Newcastle United.

The powers that be have come to this decision after it has become apparent that even if they had played an additional full season's worth of games they'd have still gone down.

Riding

"It really is only fair, Sunderland have been frankly hopeless this season and it doesn't really do anything for the prestige of the tournament to have a team that are so inept" said Premier League Chief Richard Scudamore. "We have a lot of money riding on this and our sponsors are asking some very serious questions. It's becoming more and more apparent that we just can't let anyone in."

Sunderland sneaked into the Premiership as the top club in the championship last year - coming up with top half of the table and cup-run sensations West Ham and Wigan. They soon struggled however after only being able to bring in a few multi-million pound signings.

Thrashed out

The new rules that were thrashed out over the weekend now mean that Sunderland will have to finish top of the Championship table just to qualify for the play-offs.

"It's probably for the best," under fire Chairman Bob Murray told The Onion Bag. "Anyway, we'll probably play Birmingham in the play-offs - and they always lose.

Sp3ktor