The Two Ronaldos

Johnny tumbles head first into a comedy gold mine

Pundit: Comedy Svengali in waiting

Ronaldo: Fork handles...?

And it's goodnight from them

Funny old thing, Football. For instance, Ronaldo. I can't help feeling he's wasted as a footballer.

Thinking

In a packed column tonight, we'll be mining some comedy gold. So you've got these two footballers, right, and they're both called Ronaldo, right? And one of them's quite fat, and the other isn't, right? Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Rambling

I can't believe nobody's thought of it before. It'd be perfect for Saturday nights on BBC1: 'The Two Ronaldos'. Surely, like me, you would pay good money to see Skinny Ronaldo sitting in a comfortable chair, telling a long, rambling story in a heavy Portuguese accent, and chuckling at his own non sequiturs? I cannot be alone in yearning to watch Fat Ronaldo deliver an over-clever one-man sketch he'd secretly written himself, where the sole gag revolves around a speech impediment? Come on BBC1, give us what we want — Fat Ronaldo rolling and writhing in a mud bath of malapropisms.

Forbidding

Even better, perhaps they could star in their own shows as well as 'The Two Ronaldos'. For instance, Fat Ronaldo could play a convict in a sitcom set in a prison; he could adopt a strong London accent to go with his strong Brazilian accent. 'Normando Stanley Fletcher…' Skinny Ronaldo could star in his own weak comedy, in which he would spend most of his time saying 'Sorry' to a forbidding old woman who won't let him go. Oh hang on, that's already happened…

Ending

I'd end with some comedy news headlines but it's summer, and there aren't any. Two weeks to go, my friends; chin up. Nearly there.

Adios,

Johnny Pundit