Fastest Ever Onion Bag

Stories knocked out in under 30 seconds for anniversary issue

Saha: quickest goal

A Bag writer yesterday: even quicker

The Onion Bag: always high quality journalism

The Onion Bag broke online records today by producing its 300th issue in under 30 seconds.

Taking less time than Louis Saha did to grab the opener in the FA Cup Final, Onion Bag writers penned the 300th issue and 6th anniversary edition of the Bag in a mere 24 seconds. It's full of all the usual rich and informed humour its loyal follower has come to expect.

Pig Bag

Bag founder Wilhelm Van Clenchmonker was pleased with his "baby's" speedy effort stating, Quality journalism has always been at the heart of everything the Bag has done. Our writers carefully research and fact-check everything, as all our regular readers know."

Bag of shite

New owner of the Onion Bag, Vlad Nutchopov, expressed his delight at the efforts of the writers. "They are dogs. And they will be treated like dogs. You give the dog some meat, and it comes back for more. I give these pensmiths ink, and they are my slaves," he announced coldy, while toadying Bag editor Duffman hovered slimily over his shoulder.

The Bag is written by a team of crack (pot) journalists who are kept for their own safety in ITV's Tactics Truck. Its intrepid reporter Larry Gak visited the team.

In the Bag

Lifer Sp3ktor, labouring under the impression he was the editor of the Bag, gurgled to Gak, "Look, I'll give you my car if you undo these chains. It's in good nick."

Incontinent Castro offered an unlimited supply of Scandinavian top shelf "material" to anyone who would remove the IV from the back of the hand that contained the precious fluid.

Stalwart media commentator Johnny Pundit was missing, presumed bemused.

Bag man

Critics have dismissed the latest issue of the Bag as yet more of the same nonsense they have been peddling for years. Most have been shot.

Castro