Sense Of Rumour

We piece together shredded memos from club's dustbins so you don't have to

Christ: Disciplinarian

Tiger: "Anger issues"

Ronaldo: no srsly hes gon2 real 4reelz dis tim!!!

It's summertime, and while the media across the land fire up their rumour mills, we here at The Onion Bag have gone one worse. Introducing the Rumour Rendering Plant: mechanically recovering the bits of speculation and innuendo deemed not nutritious enough for Fleet Street and reconstituting them into a repulsive mush. Like a Big Mac. With slightly less donkey intestine.

And did those feet?

Blackburn are set to unveil their new signing, Judean bad boy Judas Iscariot. Manager Sam Allardyce has defended the reputation of Iscariot, who was transfer-listed by The Disciples XII, because of unspecified "disciplinary issues". "He has all the disloyalty and chronic disregard for decency and morals a player needs to succeed at this level," barked Allardyce.

Meanwhile, Hull are negotiating a £15 million transfer fee for Tony the Tiger, despite recent allegations Mr. the Tiger mauled American six year-old Jimmy Samburg over an unfinished bowl of breakfast cereal. Even if the deal goes through Mr. the Tiger doesn't seem keen on the move, explaining to a reporter last week that Hull's chances of staying up this year "...aren't grrreeeaat!"

Never present

Newcastle have begun their summer clearout by releasing The Concept of Dignity on a free transfer. Dignity made 0 appearances for the Toon Army since joining, and was deemed surplus to requirements.

The club had been offering it to every Premier League club in a package deal that included Michael Owen and tertiary syphilis, but with no luck. Said a spokesman for one club: "Dignity could maybe play a bit part for us, and no team would be complete without VD — but we're not having that Owen bloke anywhere near us."

Time to leave the country

And finally, Real Madrid have landed Ronaldo from Manchester United for £80 million (Ed. this isn't a rumour, this actually happened. Do you need a minute to sit down?). Part of the deal means Football's Soul will be leaving Europe forever on a free transfer. No word yet on where he will yet go, although a pick-up league of retired firefighters in Sacramento who play to raise money for burn victims is said to be interested.

The Rumour Renderer